Saturday, May 25, 2013

Freaking out

Having an implosive meltdown. Inside my head. Kinda.

yousef: hey
what's up
Khalisah: having a freak out
but i'm writing it out
yousef: holy hell
shu sar? (what happened?)
shu fi? (what's going on?)
ya weily? (my poor dear?)
Khalisah: [my new company] stopped emailing meeeeeeeeee
which I thought was fine
take it as a sign from God to move on and find opportunities in Iowa
all the vacancies are operations and call center
then I started looking for work in chicago
then I started looking at MA programs in Anthropology
then I started looking at MA in Humanitarian programs in Boston
then I realize my work experience up to now is stupid
and now I'm like totally ready to collapse
yousef: okay
Khalisah: DAMMAR (fainting)
yousef: okay
calm down
calm down
hadi shway (chill a little)
hazeeennn (sadness)
laaaaa (nooo)
ma biddi (I don't want this)
iowa kateer zahjaaan (Iowa is very boring)
wa ana kaman kateer majnoona (and I am very crazy/stupid)
yousef: ya hazena! (oh sad one!)
bas! (stop!)
Khalisah: tayeeb (okay)
yousef: okay
Khalisah: speak reason to my brain bleaze

Al alphabet Al Araby

Handing in my resignation on Sunday was the right thing to do, but now I'm freaking the hell out. What are the chances that I won't get the next job? What if that doesn't work out? What's my plan B?

We're having a slow day at work so I ran the gamut all over the internet. I was born in Iowa but I've never lived there, so I thought maybe it's time to go back home, hang out with grampa and gramma and uncle Scott for a few years. I did a quick job search and boy, is that a different market from Dubai! Predictably enough the majority of job vacancies pertained to logistics, operations, agriculture, administrative work and... call center services.

Thus the freak out begins. My whole life I grew up in big cities; big, multicultural, multi-ethnic, poly-lingual cities. Mainly Kuala Lumpur and Dubai. The problem is I'm not a citizen nor a stable long-term resident in either of these places. It only makes sense to go back to the fatherland, to the USA.

But... I don't feel Iowan! I don't look Iowan! My diet hardly includes good old-fashioned Midwestern cuisines, I haven't looked at a meatloaf in years. I cook curries, and I eat out at Lebanese restaurants with the occasional weekend sushi joint. But I do love my Iowan family, and I don't hide that I was born there (represent) though living there could be a whole other thing for me...

Can't argue though, Meatloaf is not only awesome but he's got some good songs too.

I like living in a city where people strut around in abayas and high heels, I like standing in an elevator and not being able to understand the people talking next to me, I like phrases like "sa7tain! 3la albik! Allah ya barik feeki!" I like telling people "Yallah" when I'm about to leave them, even though the word actually means "let's go."

Then I ran a separate gamut on MA programs that would be interesting, though probably pricey (I like the look of Tufts U)...

Minor panic attacks are often the most wonderfully confused things. Only then can I feel like I can't do anything or  I could do everything all at once.

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