Saturday, April 10, 2010

I hope it burns when you pee

Dear thief,

I went to the library today with my heavy books, many notes and the intention to knock this research paper out of the park. I got started at 5 and worked diligently till 11.00, pausing only twice for a smoke break and a 15min shuwarma. When I packed up my things at 11.55, I walked not even two steps out the library before I realized that my flash drive was probably still sticking out my computer and turned around to get it.

I expected to see the little 32GB flash stick poking out the PC when I went back to my computer (barely a minute since I left it) and it wasn't there. Though I went through a list of explanations as to where it could have gotten to (somewhere in my bag, in my pockets, dropped it on my way out, library staff thoughtfully sent it to the library lost and found, etc) I knew deep down in the dark corners of my heart that YOU, theft and vagabond, had probably taken it the second I was far away enough not to notice.

I went to the desk. I reported it missing (stolen, really). I asked the cleaning staff. I retraced my steps. I cleaned out my bag and searched its contents four or five times. I emptied my pockets and turned up a dirham. I left my number and report at the desk. All these actions, all these futile attempts at looking for that teeny stick, all I knew to be fruitless because some punk bitch pantat sial chibai decided to inconsiderately steal a flash drive in the middle of exams and papers and let the student-owner suffer the consequences. I say inconsiderate because you, thief, are probably a student too and you know how these things can royally fuck up someone's semester.

The thing that gets me through your dick move is that I am a firm believer of karma, so I have this to say to you: I hope, on a lesser scale, that one day you'll be writing the paper of your life (say a Masters or PhD thesis) and you forget to back it up just as your laptop with your completed work crashes to the floor. On a more extreme scale, I hope that from tonight henceforth you won't be able to pee without experiencing a burning sensation so that every time you take a leak you'll think "man this has been happening since I stole that girl's flash drive in the middle of exams, I really shouldn't have done that and now my life is a living hell! I wish I had the decency to leave well enough alone!"

Now I have to go in to see my professor and beg on hands and knees for an extension. When I graduate I can breathe a sigh of relief that I got through the trials and tribulations of a student, and perhaps somewhere out there someone is wondering why their life is going wrong when they've stolen enough small luxuries to enjoy themselves. This is a warning to all kleptomaniacs out there: Just because you didn't get caught doesn't mean you got away with it. It'll come and bite you in the ass when you least expect it and you'll regret inconveniencing others through your immoral thoughtless behavior.

I have no energy left to make this post anymore impassioned or passive-aggressive. I have to get back to my life now, which includes re-writing that research paper.