Friday, June 25, 2010

A phoenix rises from the disorder in my life




















Check these guys out right freakin' now.

They say an end can be a start
Feels like I've been buried yet I'm still alive
It's like a bad day that never ends
I feel the chaos around me
A thing I don't try to deny
I'd better learn to accept that
There are things in my life that I can't control

They say love ain't nothing but a sore
I don't even know what love is
Too many tears have had to fall
Don't you know I'm so tired of it all
I have known terror dizzy spells
Finding out the secrets words won't tell
Whatever it is it can't be named
There's a part of my world that' s fading away

You know I don't want to be clever
To be brilliant or superior
True like ice, true like fire
Now I know that a breeze can blow me away
Now I know there's much more dignity
In defeat than in the brightest victory
I'm losing my balance on the tight rope
Tell me please, tell me please, tell me please...

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

Hang on to the good days
I can lean on my friends
They help me going through hard times
But I'm feeding the enemy
I'm in league with the foe
Blame me for what's happening
I can't try, I can't try, I can't try...

No one knows the hard times I went through
If happiness came I miss the call
The stormy days ain't over
I've tried and lost know I think that I pay the cost
Now I've watched all my castles fall
They were made of dust, after all
Someday all this mess will make me laugh
I can't ewait, I can't wait, I can't wait...

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know
If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

It's like somebody took my place
I ain't even playing my own game
The rules have changed well I didn't know
There are things in my life I can't control
I feel the chaos around me
A thing I don't try to deny
I'd better learn to accept that
There's a part of my life that will go away

Dark is the night, cold is the ground
In the circular solitude of my heart
As one who strives a hill to climb
I am sure I'll come through I don't know how
They say an end can be a start
Feels like I've been buried yet I'm still alive

I'm losing my balance on the tight rope
Tell me please, tell me please, tell me please...

Saturday, April 10, 2010

I hope it burns when you pee

Dear thief,

I went to the library today with my heavy books, many notes and the intention to knock this research paper out of the park. I got started at 5 and worked diligently till 11.00, pausing only twice for a smoke break and a 15min shuwarma. When I packed up my things at 11.55, I walked not even two steps out the library before I realized that my flash drive was probably still sticking out my computer and turned around to get it.

I expected to see the little 32GB flash stick poking out the PC when I went back to my computer (barely a minute since I left it) and it wasn't there. Though I went through a list of explanations as to where it could have gotten to (somewhere in my bag, in my pockets, dropped it on my way out, library staff thoughtfully sent it to the library lost and found, etc) I knew deep down in the dark corners of my heart that YOU, theft and vagabond, had probably taken it the second I was far away enough not to notice.

I went to the desk. I reported it missing (stolen, really). I asked the cleaning staff. I retraced my steps. I cleaned out my bag and searched its contents four or five times. I emptied my pockets and turned up a dirham. I left my number and report at the desk. All these actions, all these futile attempts at looking for that teeny stick, all I knew to be fruitless because some punk bitch pantat sial chibai decided to inconsiderately steal a flash drive in the middle of exams and papers and let the student-owner suffer the consequences. I say inconsiderate because you, thief, are probably a student too and you know how these things can royally fuck up someone's semester.

The thing that gets me through your dick move is that I am a firm believer of karma, so I have this to say to you: I hope, on a lesser scale, that one day you'll be writing the paper of your life (say a Masters or PhD thesis) and you forget to back it up just as your laptop with your completed work crashes to the floor. On a more extreme scale, I hope that from tonight henceforth you won't be able to pee without experiencing a burning sensation so that every time you take a leak you'll think "man this has been happening since I stole that girl's flash drive in the middle of exams, I really shouldn't have done that and now my life is a living hell! I wish I had the decency to leave well enough alone!"

Now I have to go in to see my professor and beg on hands and knees for an extension. When I graduate I can breathe a sigh of relief that I got through the trials and tribulations of a student, and perhaps somewhere out there someone is wondering why their life is going wrong when they've stolen enough small luxuries to enjoy themselves. This is a warning to all kleptomaniacs out there: Just because you didn't get caught doesn't mean you got away with it. It'll come and bite you in the ass when you least expect it and you'll regret inconveniencing others through your immoral thoughtless behavior.

I have no energy left to make this post anymore impassioned or passive-aggressive. I have to get back to my life now, which includes re-writing that research paper.

(-_-)

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Democracy makes Chinese kids cry!

"Why Democracy" was a documentary assigned for one of my classes, but it kicked so much ass that I decided to blog about it.

A grade school in Wuhan province takes an excursion through the democratic process by allowing a third grade class to choose their classroom monitor. This is unprecedented, as classroom monitors are chosen by the teachers, but this time the students are given the chance to vote. The candidates are 8-year-olds Cheng Cheng, Luo Lei, and Xu Xiaofei. In under an hour we learn that democratic candidates everywhere -- even in socialist China -- face the same pressures, and grade school kids (when given a goal) are often driven to succeed by their helicopter-hovering parents (parents who take it into their own hands when it comes to undermining the opponent, giving voters incentives, and bolstering their kid's ego).

My first impression of the gutsy chubby Cheng Cheng is "maaan, this kid is proper Chinese Tai Lo" (gangster) because he's so coniving, but as the documentary rolled and Cheng Cheng aggressively campaigned my impressions grew from "saboteur!" to finally "you sneaky little shit!" This KID, oh man this kid, I swear if he were my kid he'd see the beating end of the rotan cane more often.

[Cheng Cheng. Look at him! All confident and smug. I wanna punch him].

Xu Xiaofei is your typical grade school girl: soft spoken, sweet, has her little girlfriends and doesn't have terribly strong presidential aspirations.

Now, Luo Lei is a kid after my own heart. The first thing he says when his parents tell him he should use tricks and techniques for votes is "I don't want to control others, they should think for themselves." Give this kid a dumpling! He is so cute! His little round face shone with honesty and if I were 8 years old I would totally be crushing on him because as aforementioned HE- IS- SO- CUTE! When he's having fun with the kids he's taking their pictures or sharing the megaphone his dad gave him (initially intended for Luo Lei to show off, but the kid actually LIKES sharing, unprompted!). It was all I could do from squeezing my monitor whenever Luo Lei's face popped up because I WANT TO SQUISH IT!

[Luo Lei: I want to eat him, aww!]

It's highly amusing to see the kids attempt to master the elections-- between pressures from their parents and classmates, each kid makes their own way through the confusion, guided by their sense of what is right. Although I love the kid to death, I think Luo Lei ran because he just felt that it was the right thing to do and that he was the right kid for the job (he'd been class monitor for two years prior the elections). Cheng Cheng ran because he's competitive by nature, and the idea of "controling the kids" appealed to him. Poor Xiaofei, I think she thought the elections were a game you played and you got people to whisper to each other campaign secrets.

Why did I crack up? Because there was so. much. CRYING. OmG. Xiaofei cried because Cheng Cheng got the class to mock her during her speech, Luo Lei cried because Cheng Cheng blamed it on him, Cheng Cheng cried because he's a big meanie, and all the other kids cried because democracy hurts their socialist upbringing! Oh man, I died laughing and laughing and laughing (I would make a horrible mum; unless my kid is Luo Lei) and when I couldn't laugh anymore, I wheezed and wiped away the tears.

[Xiaofei: I honestly did feel bad for her and my maternal instincts called out to her and shiz, but then the situation just degenerated into a classroom of kids crying and I couldn't help but laugh at that point. Sorry Xiao-Xiao].

Definitely a must-see. I highly recommend it. If you like kids, psychology, politics, China, twisted social experiments, then this is the documentary for you. Below is the first 10mins of "Why Democracy", courtesy of youtube.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Dear Death: You are disallowed from collecting Terry Pratchett. On my orders. Sorry.

Woe as we:--

There is a myriad of work (ranging from pressing to menial) that I have to address, but I can't. Who can work with a heavy heart? Granted part of my work is shredding papersat the office, but even the appeal of getting paid for unskilled labor can't distract me from the pain of Terry Pratchett's onset death.

Two years ago the fans of Terry Pratchett experienced collective nausea and heartburn when he came out to the press about his battle with Alzheimers. Back then he said he was working on finding advanced medicines to if not stop it then at least prolong it enough for him to churn out a few more books. We had a bit of hope back then.

Now he comes out in the Sydney Morning Herald stating that he's going boots up whenever he damn well pleases, which would be ahead of the affects any brain disease can get at him. While I applaud his badassery with regards to a genetic disease, I can't help but despair at the very real prospect of my favorite writer dying. And imminently too.

I was having an awkward time in my preteens (you know, with boys, periods, illegal weapons exchange, etc) when my mum handed me Carpe Jugulum (my first of many Discworld books). Instantaneously the Discworld became my choice escapist fantasy as well as a style of writing I aspired to reach (or at least poorly imitate). The gaps in my general knowledge on pictsies and English country lore were filled out by The Wee Free Men. I passed my Year 9 English lit. SATs by rereading Wyrd Sisters. And what was to become a modest fascination with all things regarding existentialism and the curious nature of time and space were developed by Thief of Time, Nightwatch, and the Reaper Man. I disappeared into those books for days at a time and emerged better for it. There are things in the Discworld you can't learn in the real world, so I duck out once in a while to find what I don't know yet.

I haven't read all the books yet since life and college continue to unrelentingly bog me down, but my post-graduate plans involve a hammock, a cool porch, an awning to keep off the rain, a view of soft rolling hills, and a stack of Discworld books arranged in chronological order. I'll eat and sleep when I've finished.

Terry, I never had a chance to say this to you (reason being that we've never met-- a minor detail really), but I want you to know that you (in no small way) define me through your work. I do hope that the British government rewards your recent endeavors to have euthanasia legalized, but you will be sorely and most ardently missed. I say this on behalf of all your fans, young and old, thank you for sharing your ingenious worlds with us, we love you like the creepy fans that we are.

Cheers Terry.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Second week sniffles

Tomorrow's week 2 of the Spring semester and already my energy levels have dropped from vacation "woohoo!" to "I'm in my jammies by 9.30pm so sue me" levels. I feel like I stomped (hard) on the brakes, and the pace is just mozying along. It's not all bad, as I've managed to catch up on quite a lot of CSI and even cleared out part of my closet. In some ways I actually miss school and the heavy class readings, and I'm at that safe productive stage where I'll finish any assignments nearly right away for lack of anything better to do. That's quite good yeah?

I put sniffles in the subject because this is also the time of year people are plagued by, well, plague-like symptoms. The signs you were too busy partying to notice have made themselves known now, and it is going to be over these next couple of weeks where I'll need to remember where I kept the vitamins, the face lotions, the herbal tea, etc etc, basic maintenance products. And I thought these were going to be my youthful years. Ah well. At the moment I smell like cucumber-mint-rose-something-or-other, or rather, the smell of staying in and pampering yourself.

So laaaazzzzyyyyyy.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

First impressions of 2010



Yellow,

I feel like my current mood is noteworthy, as my usual default state is either 'zombie-blank' or 'just barely hanging in there.' Getting paid, being on vacation, seeing my friends and becoming intimate with Dubai nightlife has had a prozac-mixed-with-viagra affect on me. I know that this mood is fleeting and soon enough I'll be back in my shell of a room bemoaning the semesters and cursing my mundane weekly routines, so this is to encapsulating the moment-- yes, encapsulating it in a post.

It's 8.30am and I'm showered, drinking coffee, enjoying a PM and watching it get light outside. My room is under construction (i.e. getting it straightened up at the mo) I got Planet Funk playing in the background, scented candle flickering, and reoccuring memories of the last two weeks making me smile. I'm well aware of how cheesy my mood is but I don't care, haven't had a care in a while, just living the moment and fucking running with it like Terry Fox across Canada (sans robotic leg-- Sorry Terry). I got two of my closest friends in town visiting for another couple of weeks, got my bros living a few kilometers away to play street fighter with, and all's right with the world.

I know I know I know, to voice any happiness does seem to tempt fate into screwing it all up for me, and I didn't want to jinx it before but I know how temporary these feelings are for me-- explicitly speaking, feelings of contentment, joy, badassery and YOUTH. Oh God, 2009 was my oldest year, I was forced to look at things realistically, forced to deal with issues that implicate not only my future but of my family's too, trudging through depressing drama that really when looked at in the bigger picture are not quite as bad as, say, being a child soldier in the Congo (i.e. people with real problems). I know that I'm lucky to have my health, my awesome family, all my limbs intact and some basic healthcare (a one-up on 13million uninsured Americans for sure) as well as a good education and all, but depressing drama is depressing drama. It's hard to be positive and think "someone else out there definitely has it worse off than me" when you're in the middle of said depressing drama and worries. What I clung to in those dark dark times was that it couldn't (dear God please) shouldn't get any worse, so ride it out till it gets at least... tolerable. Bearable. 'aadi ya'ani.

I didn't expect this freight train of awesome to hit me this hard. Maybe things aren't as great as I make 'em out to be, but in comes into startling contrast with the year I was having. This side of 2010 has me feeling my young 21 years, and it's so good to be thinking of 'right now' instead of 'undefinable later.' I have jobs to hunt for, people to look out for, money that needs sending home, but honey please leave it all to a little later. When the time really comes, I'll park my ass behind a desk and do the duties I should do as a good daughter and semaritan, heck maybe get some real personal goals done too, but only when I'm good and ready. Right now, just let me be young and happy-- even if it's only for a month.

I'm counting on this month to carry me through to graduation, so 2010, this is for you. I love you Dubai, you in your grimy cranes, recession and half-finished extravagant construction projects. You might have your problems, but right now you're home to me and if I only have you for the next year, let's keep things casual alright? No need to get things complicated.

For your listening pleasure, I leave you Planet Funk. Hope you readers (all two of you) are having as good of a break as I am.